Category: the way we communicate

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What a Non-Mom Learned from a Mom’s Group

Right now, I’m wrapping up my last call with Mia Redrick, and I want to get some reflection in as I listen to her advice to our group. The fact that I, the woman who refuses to wake up before 7 and can’t imagine caring for anything that doesn’t walk on four legs, have been learning from Mia, who markets herself as The Mom Strategist, for the last year resulted from a combination of timing and need. After I got fired last year, I was in need of inspiration and direction. A travel industry client turned friend Tawanna of Mom’s Guide to Travel recommended that I have an initial call with Mia to learn about her services after telling me how much Mia’s guidance had helped her.

The first call was like talking to that friend/mentor/auntie who told you exactly what it was with a firmness and warmth. After discussing what I was trying to do for myself and my potential business, I had to mention the most obvious point: I’m not a mom. Knowing the insane amount of time management, patience and planning that women who are both mothers and entrepreneurs need to be successful, I wasn’t sure I was in need of the same guidance. Mia reassured me that her advice and insight applied to all, and that I would find value in the group setting combined with one-on-one conversations.

Value is just the beginning of what I found with Mia. Her straightforward approach and the fact that she could relate to nearly every heartache the group had been through gave us the space to be honest. From the importance of outsourcing, outreach and collaboration to product planning, the fact that I wasn’t a mom didn’t mean much as I gathered nuggets of wisdom. Above all, Mia preached self-care, which was the word that I needed after a year of stressing as a young professional.

I would recommend that anyone who wants to learn about how to run a business without running themselves into the ground reach out to Mia. I’ll miss being able to email her with my inner thoughts (I may still tweet her though) but I’ve gained some friends and contacts through the group that will continue to inspire me as I figure out what I’m doing while knowing it’s okay that I don’t have all the answers.

Thank you also to the ladies in my group:

Tawanna Browne-Smith – Founder of Mom’s Guide to Travel

Rani Robinson-Kiganda – Founder, CEO of Craft Web Solutions

Christine St. Vil – Author of Whose Shoes Are You Wearing, Founder and CEO of Moms In Charge

Rita Roane Blackwell – President, That Wine Girl

Mia Clapp – Clapp Studios (Photography)

Crystal Morgan Marable – Founder, Graceful Girlz

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How to See the Forests and the Trees

Recently, at a catch-up brunch with a friend from college who is also in the communications field, we discussed the need for a side hustle. We both leaned toward consulting, and as such were discussing client relations.

As we had both discovered, and many other solo practitioners well know, those in need of communication assistance don’t always see the big picture. Potential clients sometimes believe that a tactic like customer newsletters, press releases or social media posts can make up for the lack of a true foundation of a brand and vision. My friend told me “That’s not the entirety of what we do, and it’s hard to translate that sometimes.” To which I nodded in agreement, because I’ve been there and done that.

So here is my two cents on the matter, for those entrepreneurs who are seeking to make a big impression through integrated communication:

  • Know thyself – Can you explain you and your services in a nutshell? If that nutshell is more the size of a coconut rather than a peanut shell, start shaving down to the essentials. There is a lot of competition out there, and the quicker you can get to the “How I can help you” point, the better to keep and maintain the attention of your customers.
  • Know thy budget – Find a balance between costs, both monetary and non-monetary. Recognize what you save in dollars by trying to do it all yourself may actually come out as a time resource cost. Nothing in life is free; know when to outsource to the professionals.
  • Know thy value – This message is for clients and communication practitioners both. Pricing your goods, for entrepreneurs, means the difference between feast and famine. Allocate, budget and track your sales to know when you can bring in partners – and yes, PR and marketing people should be your right-hand (wo)man in your journey – to help you go even further. Practitioners, know and ask for the true value of your services. Sure, you may think that writing out the plan takes only X hours. But consider also the time it takes to get in the head of your client, research their field and truly deliver an informed plan.

I hope this helped someone who is being challenged with a client who is limiting their own vision in the pursuit of short-term sales. Remind them that you are in the business of creating a long-haul journey, a foundational story and a valuable brand. And to those who are working with a solo practitioner, know that though they may not get you in Newsweek in the first month of working together, they will get you to the right place in time.

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Does Being a Leader Mean Never Having to Say “I’m Sorry”?

Think about the last time you made a public mistake, be it in your personal or professional life. How did you handle it? Were you apologetic? Did you immediately make amends to anyone affected? And then, when the dust had settled, did you reflect on it, file the information and move on? Those are the “right” things to do, according to anyone with a lick of sense. When it comes to me, though, you won’t find one phrase in my acts of contrition: “I’m sorry.”

Now, this is not to say that I don’t experience regret or feel that I’m wrong, because it definitely happens. What I’m saying is that the words “I’m sorry” are not part of my vocabulary (usually). They’re right up there with the act of crying – there are just some things that can’t be taken back.

Let me explain my rationale. I want to solve issues, preferably before they become full-fledged problems. When a problem does arise, I’d rather dedicate time to quashing it than explaining it, apologizing for it and then resolving it. The act of saying “I’m sorry” puts you on the back foot. Unless a person has truly goofed in an irreparable way, there is always a way to make things better. Being solutions-focused means I’m looking ahead at next steps, not down at where I am currently still in the mistake.

To give an example: I encountered a situation in which, though it wasn’t me who screwed up, it fell to me as the person responsible for the one who did screw up. My response was to take responsibility, in writing, and begin discussing what could be done to rectify the situation. Unfortunately, the phrase “I take responsibility” didn’t have the same effect as “I’m sorry” to the superiors, and I was admonished specifically for not apologizing. Even years later, I believe this was one of the best examples of mismanagement I’ve encountered. Instead of focusing on my desire to fix the problem, the manager instead only saw the lack of the specific words that made them feel better. Even after pointing out that I had not shirked my role in the situation, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. The manager’s reaction confirmed what I’d already suspected about some people: To say “I’m sorry” is akin to groveling, laying prostrate and allowing someone to be “right” in your wrongness.

Since then, I’ve stood in my anti-sorry stance. Thankfully, the people that I work with now are of the problem-solving variety rather than the make-me-feel-better type, which means that when it comes to it, we’re on the get-things-done team.

What about you? Do you find yourself apologizing unnecessarily? (The way people, especially women, apologize for the littlest things is whole ‘nother post.) Or are you team no-apologies-necessary? What’s your fix-it tactic?

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The Internet Is Lazy

But you already knew that, right?

This week, the Internet went through its usual paroxysms over the “hot topic” of the moment. This time it was the “First Kiss,” a video purporting to be footage of complete strangers kissing for the first time. My usual reaction to seeing all the You MUST see this video, ERMAHGERD! comments is to completely ignore it, hoping the hype goes down. This time, I bit. And as I expected, the hype let me down. Because truly, who wants to watch people awkwardly mash faces.

I digress. As the social media about the video reached a fever pitch, the other shoe dropped, so to speak. The kissers, gasp, they weren’t only strangers. Apparently, they’re also models. And the video wasn’t just for the sake of showing the intensity of initial physical contact. It was an ad for a clothing line. Color me surprised…

At this point, I’d checked out because nothing is ever as it appears online. But The Internet had other thoughts. Article after article about the “value” of the video, whether the fact that the people were models mattered, were we duped because it was an ad instead of unaffiliated viral content. The next wave of reaction posts were, predictably, folks’ takes on the “First Kiss” – a “real” version with non-models, a joke take on hand jobs, even one with dogs.

Now, I post this all to say that I wish it wasn’t all so predictable. Every five days or so, someone uploads an article or a video or a photo that takes over the conversation. The hot topic isn’t limited to social media, since the traditional outlets trawl social media for their filler content. After the first wave of shares and posts, then the response (#thinkpiece) from everyone with an opinion comes down the pipe followed by the responses to the response. It’s ubiquitous, it’s everywhere, and it’s exhausting. Most of all, it’s lazy.

Knowing how limited our attention spans are when we’re online, and how much information is out there, I encourage everyone to expand beyond their current outlets. Look for new writers, new perspectives and stories that maybe aren’t BuzzFeed-worthy but worthy of your attention. Think for yourself, don’t be lazy like The Internet.

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The Influence of Twitter – On The Up or Down?

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Via xioubin low (Flickr)

Depending upon who you ask, Twitter is on the upswing and influencing everything from politics to media or is never going to reach the level of Facebook and struggling to find relevancy in the social media. With Facebook making record profits and celebrating its 10-year anniversary (tell me you didn’t tear up at your “Look Back” video), social media experts are looking at how other networks stack up. And Twitter isn’t looking like much of a contender.

According to a Feb. 10, 2014 Wall Street Journal article, Twitter is struggling to add users, with Facebook users numbered at 1.2 billion (yes, with a b) monthly active users in the fourth quarter of 2013 compared to Twitter’s 241 million. Initially, I was one of the “Don’t want it, don’t need it” people who tried to shun Twitter. I didn’t understand why I needed to share all the time and why anyone would care what I had to say in 140 characters or less. As I began to see the ways in which communicators were using Twitter for immediacy, engagement and awareness, it became clear that there was a value in the network.

Since joining, I’ve co-hosted and participated in Twitter chats, watched social movements take off and made online and offline friendships. Twitter strategy as part of a brand’s integrated marketing can bring in new fans/followers who then become customers and eventually ambassadors. Twitter isn’t going away, that’s for sure, but the company must increase users because users means advertising which means money.

Perhaps Twitter’s snazzy redesigned user profiles will be the key?

What are your thoughts – is Twitter on the rise, decline or holding steady?

 

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How Do You Teach A Thing Like Gender?

If anyone knows me long enough, it’s likely that they’ll see my put my foot in my mouth with some kind off-hand remark that sounded much more witty inside my head than it does coming out of my mouth. We’re all a work in progress; I know about this quirk of mine and I’m working on asking myself “Does this statement matter?” when I start to speak. Mindful thinking and all that jazz.

I was told about one of these moments from over the holidays. During some belated gift giving, a young girl in my family unwrapped a set of “princess tiaras and shoes,” marketed as the ultimate playtime accessory set. While she peeled out to trade out her sparkly sneakers for the plastic slides in a blinding shade of pink, my heart sank.

Continue reading “How Do You Teach A Thing Like Gender?”

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Basking in the golden silence

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Photo via Joel Jefferies on Flickr

When I’m asked, I always like to say that my family is my sister and my mom. Though I have an extended group of aunts, uncles and cousins, when I consider the mental image of family, it’s those two. Because of this, I am wholly unaccustomed to boisterous weekend gatherings of generations of assorted relatives, reliving the “remember when…” stories and having hours lapse before everyone starts to peel away slowly to do it again the following week. While not a solitary creature, I revel in a quiet household where not much needs to be said because it is understood that our shared time is entertainment and company enough.

Over the years in romantic relationships, I’ve learned that the same approach I take to family togetherness works best for paramours as well. I remember in my youth, being in each other’s pockets seemed like the place to be, and God forbid something happen to one of us while the other wasn’t there to simultaneous experience it. Honestly, I’m shocked I wasn’t more exhausted from sustaining these types of dealings.

With age comes wisdom, as well as your own business, which requires you to mind. As I move within my current relationship, I try to keep in mind that while there is an “us,” more importantly there is a “me” and “he.” I have to allow both of us space to decompress, unwind, unpack and reflect without the nagging feeling of “growing apart” and he does the same.

What I see as somewhat of conventional (romantic and non-romantic) relationship wisdom, many others don’t seem to get, if the anecdotal examples from various advice columns imply. Some of my favorites are Dear Prudence on Slate, Carolyn Hax on Washington Post and A Belle in Brooklyn Ask.fm page. Lack of basic communication practice (ask for what you want, be open to compromise, don’t accept less than you’re worth) seems to be at the root of nearly all exchanges for which people are seeking guidance, be it a relationship between mother-daughter, boss-employee, boyfriend-girlfriend or just two people who are exploring the dating scene. Reading the submissions is one of my guiltiest pleasures; people always find a way to reach new level of “Huh?” with each question.

Mind you, in no way am I saying that my communication style is ideal – I can be short of patience, I want people to get to the point quickly and I hate arguing with those closest to me. What I always try to keep in mind is to listen more than I speak, consider all the perspectives, even the ones that aren’t being presented, and that taking 10 seconds before speaking in anger or irritation can save a whole lot of feelings. The more I operate within these kinds of guidelines, the better my relationships work. And the more of that sweet, sweet silence I get to have in my happy household.

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Digital Footprint in the Afterlife

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In “This Is How Technology Ruins Society” news this week, Facebook used a dead young woman’s tagged photo to advertise a dating site. Once it was brought to their attention, the social media site issued an apology and removed the ad. What makes this story even more tragic are the details surrounding the death of the woman in the image. Rehtaeh Parsons took her own life this past April after severe, aggressive and relentless online bullying following a sexual assault.

This incident sheds light on the larger story of how long our online identities live beyond our physical existence and how the sites where we are building and sharing our identities are using what we consider our personal content to earn revenue from their advertisers, mostly without our explicit permission. When my best friend died in 2009, Facebook was not yet using the photos we’d uploaded of our college days and fun nights out to promote weight loss, vacations or dating sites. In the aftermath of her very unexpected and painful death, I can’t imagine how upset I would be if I looked to the right panel of Facebook and saw her smiling face hawking some jewelry line or teeth whitening (she has a great smile, I wouldn’t put it past the algorithm to pick that up). I will say, I’m glad that her page wasn’t immediately removed in the months after her death, as her friends, family, coworkers and even people who didn’t know her sought to share their grief through posting memories of better times.

Never did I think that the 21st century of a baby book of memories, the Facebook album dedicated to the life of a child, would become fodder for online ads. The advancement in technology – facial recognition, anyone! – means that even if you don’t tag a person, the Internet can still recognize them, associate that image with them and connect the two with a simple search. Almost frightening and…sentient, isn’t it? Because of this, I refrain from posting pictures of the children of friends. What was a funny picture of a 1-year-old smearing cake on their face at their birthday party isn’t so funny when they’re in middle school and trying not to stand out as the “weird kid.” Interestingly enough, the FTC is creeped out as well. The federal regulator is launching an investigation to see if the latest round of privacy setting allowing advertisers to use photos violates a 2011 agreement.

Apparently, I’m not the only one with this thought, as evidenced by a recent wildly popular post by Amy Webb of Slate. Webb said that she and her husband refuse to post images of their daughter on the Internet- the Internet responded by finding pictures that other people had posted. Ahh, Internet justice, is there anything sweeter?

I think it may be too late for me; my face is out there, for better or worse. Thankfully I learned (fairly) quickly that putting down your drink of choice and not giving any ironic/offensive/odd facial and hand expressions makes for a safer (for life and job searches) online social presence.

What do you think of the fact that you can no longer disappear online? Did you start curbing and editing your identity?

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The Power of Asking for Help

One of the most powerful messages I got last week was from KERA’s Think program. The exchange begins around minute 39 of this podcast, when guest Ben Hewitt said:

I hear a lot from people, what can I do to strengthen community in my area. One of the things that I think is really profoundly effective is to ask somebody for help. And the reason it’s so effective, I want you to think about the last time you offered help to somebody and what they probably said, which I’m guessing was ‘Oh no, I’m all set, thank you very much.’ I also want you to think about the last time somebody came to you and asked you for help, and how it made you feel. Which I’m guessing was pretty good.

Hewitt continued, saying that on an innately human level, we have a need to be needed. As I listened, all I could do was nod to myself because I’ve seen the effect that asking for help and offering help can have on a relationship. When I realized that it was time for me to make a change, I knew I would have to tap my network. The thought of asking for assistance set my teeth on edge; it felt like I was essentially going forth naked and begging in the world, without a cloak for shielding my need.

I took it slow, sending  a message to a longtime friend and sometime collaborator. As I hit send, I said a silent prayer that he wouldn’t recoil from the screen and feel insulted by my request (which was, in hindsight, truly very simple). Almost immediately, my message received a reply of support and agreement to assist where possible. Now, I’m not a huge crier, but the sense of relief was so strong that I let out a few watery drops.

Since that moment, I’ve made other requests from business associates and college friends alike, and I’ve never run into anyone who isn’t flattered and ready to offer help where they can. Instead of feeling putting upon, which is the reaction I expected initially, people were eager to assist, whether through an email introduction, recommendation and reference or just feedback to make sure I wasn’t going into left field with my ideas. As these favors have grown, I’ve made an effort to balance my requests with offers of assistance. Ben Hewitt is right, it is a pretty good feeling to help.

Oh, and since I talked book recommendations in my last post, Ben Hewitt is the author of Saved: How I quit worrying about money and became the richest guy in the world. It is most definitely on the must-read list!

Comment time: do you find yourself asking for help? If not, what holds you back? How does helping others make you feel?

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Facebook Has Hashtags, Twitter Has Analytics: Does It Matter To You?

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As you may well have heard, everyone’s favorite social networks, Twitter and Facebook, both rolled out some new features this week.

Facebook’s addition was long-overdue: the ability to use a hashtag that is actually searchable. I say this because, despite the fact that people knew that their use of the hashtag did nothing on Facebook, they insisted on using it in their status updates. I truly considered defriending people for this, no lie. Well, those folks can now call themselves forward thinkers. According to the company (via Mashable), they want to make it easier for users to “find information.”  Considering that Facebook has consistently lost young users to sites like Twitter and Instagram in the recent years, maybe the company thinks this will shore up their interest. Best of luck with that Facebook. More than likely, I will not engage with Facebook hashtags because they have been synonymous with Twitter for so long. For me and others like me, this may cause some cognitive dissonance. Hopefully the FB team has thought of this and plans to address it by showing the value it brings to the user experience.

Speaking of Twitter, the company is trying to get more individual users to analyze their reach by making basic stats available for accounts. I’ve used Tweetdeck and Hootsuite, both of which give users an overview of their traffic. I found the analytic page straightforward, and I imagine small business owners who don’t want to invest in tracking software will be satisfied with the information as a starting point. Of course, social networks don’t create new features from the goodwill of their heart. The link to your analytics is under the page to sign up for Twitter ads, encouraging users to associate their analytics and buying advertisements. Smart move, and it’s likely some bloggers and online personalities will find value in this. For small fish like me, I’ll keep my coins.

What do these changes mean for your business? Will you add Twitter analytics to your social media measurement, much like checking your Klout score? How do you (or your business) plan to use Facebook hashtags?

image via Satyrika on Flickr